


my wings are frayed

by mamalovesherbagels



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, but other than that mostly canon, emily is a bisexual disaster, gonna be an AU of how things with ian doyle go down, here i give you the jj/emily/hotch love triangle no one asked for, hotch is... hotch, jj is an unrealized lesbian, title is from to hell and back by maren morris
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:54:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28388868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mamalovesherbagels/pseuds/mamalovesherbagels
Summary: Emily's a mess, and the situation is a mess. She's about to leave them, to disappear out of thin air to go track Doyle down on her own and she very well might die, and her team might never see her again. Oh, and, she's also slept with two different members of the BAU the same week.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Emily Prentiss, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, very much background jj/will
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	my wings are frayed

**Author's Note:**

> Hi no one asked for this but here it is

This is stupid.

This is beyond stupid, actually, but here she is fervently kissing her superior while she’s practically in his lap. It’s not that she hasn’t seen this coming, at least to a lesser extent, because that tension has been there since practically her first week at the BAU, but it’s ill advised. Incredibly ill advised, actually.

She’s a mess. This isn’t even the first member of the team that she’s slept with this week. She’s slept with JJ several times over the past few months, JJ who is in a long term relationship with the father of her child and she knows JJ is a willing participant, but when she’s closing her eyes at night she pictures Henry crying because she’s torn his family apart. And yet, she keeps coming back for more. 

She never thought she’d be the “other woman” (though she supposes “the woman” might be more accurate) but she has feeling for JJ, maybe it’s not full on love but there is something there, and the job they work is soul crushing and having sex in her bed after a few glasses of wine feels like a reprieve from it all. It’s probably something beyond that, too, but both of them pretend it isn’t. Her because JJ is in a relationship with a child involved and JJ because maybe she isn’t ready to admit that something about herself.

She’s a mess, and she knows she’s only making things worse as Aaron’s hands find their way to the buttons on her shirt, but maybe he’s a mess, too. He doesn’t really show it at work anymore, but in the grand scheme of things it hasn’t been too long of a time since his ex-wife and mother of his child died, and she knows he still blames himself for it.

And the glass of wine on the table is read, and she knows he prefers white. She wonders if it’s because it reminds him of Hailey.

“Emily,” he pants, pulling back for just a moment and now her lips feel cold, “are you sure this is okay?”

Okay in the sense that it’s a good idea? Of course not. Okay in the sense that she wants it? Absolutely.

She nods, and brings her lips back to his but he pulls away again.

“I need to hear you say it.”

She kind of wants to roll her eyes because hasn’t she made her enthusiastic consent clear? But maybe it’s sweet, or maybe it’s just because he’s her supervisor and her feelings for him are clouding her vision with rose colored glasses.

She’ll say it anyway, though.

“This is okay,” she breathes, “ is it okay for you?”

“Absolutely.”

And then she’s getting off of his lap, grabbing his hand and tugging him towards his bedroom, and again maybe it’s the rose colored glasses but she _swears_ she sees a smile on his face.

It feels unfair, it feels beyond unfair to him as she practically scrambles onto his bed. Because this is goodbye. It’s Hotch and she knows he’s not misled into the idea of this being the start of a relationship because, well, he’s Hotch. But after she sneaks out of his apartment the next day before he goes to pick up Jack from Jessica, he might never see him again.

She’s going to take on Doyle, and she’s not naive enough to be sure that she’s going to survive it. But she has to go to him and take that risk because he’s been killing the people who helped to put him away, and the BAU is her family. She can’t let Aaron or JJ die, or Spencer or Dave or Moran or Penelope, so she has to face him alone. If she dies, she hopes she’s at least leaving Hotch with a good time to remember her by.

He’s gentle with her, passionate but gentle and she knows he would never be rough without her explicit consent, but she’s still a little surprised. He’s touching her with care and she knows he’s not in love with her but still, it’s nice because she’s only slept with women since she had to be Doyle’s girlfriend, and maybe Doyle loved that version of her but it had never been like this.

She hates that she feels like she’s betraying JJ because they’re not in an exclusive relationship and JJ is supposed to be in an exclusive relationship with Will. Maybe it’s because she gave JJ more of herself than she ever intended to, and maybe it’s because Hotch is another person that they work with. But it’s not betrayal, right? Her and JJ have both betrayed Will but the way they’ve set it up, it would be pretty hard to betray each other.

The tension in her mind must spread to her body, because Aaron pulls back, looking right into her eyes.

“Are you okay?”

“More than okay,” she nods, and it’s a lie but it’s one she feels she needs to tell, because she’s not going to tell him about her and JJ, especially not right now, and what he picked up on was the farthest thing from disinterest in continuing. She just got caught up in the gigantic mess that is her head for a moment.

“Are you--”

“How many times do I have to tell you that I want this?” she teases, yanking him down to be right back down on her, and no words are said after that.

She sleeps over, in his bed, not touching or cuddling. They’re not in some loved up relationship, so it feels right and not cold. He falls asleep first, and she stares up for the ceiling for a bit wondering how much it’s going to hurt to leave behind all the people that she loves as her family. It’s for the best, she knows that, but it doesn’t mean it won’t be gut wrenching.

But she’s still surprised by the tears in her eyes as she carefully slips out of his bed at 6 am the next morning. He’s still asleep and that’s probably better because if he was awake when she was leaving his apartment, he’d be able to tell that something is wrong, but she still wishes she could say something to him, could talk to him for what could very well be the last time.

“How many times do I have to tell you that I want this?” she remembers, that might be the last thing she ever says to him. It doesn’t feel like enough, but nothing ever would.

She takes a deep breath, biting her lip before she gently brings her lips to his forehead for just a second.

“I’m sorry, Aaron,” she whispers, and then she’s gone, practically running out of his apartment and then down the stairs, waiting to let the tears finally fall until she’s safely in her car.

She shouldn’t have slept with him; it’s just made everything more difficult.”


End file.
